Aug 30, 2009

My Childhood Re-Visited

Usually I sit down at my computer and cannot figure out what I should blog about. My mind just draws a complete blank.  I know you're right there with me (come on admit it - alright, alright it's just me).  No, tonight at nearly midnight on a Saturday night - yes I lead a sad life as a responsible parent (of children who are still awake I must say) I have so much on my mind it is difficult to figure out where to start.  So I will try to do the abrieviated version of the back story and what has my hair on the back of my neck at full attention.

I was essentially raised by my step mom who my dad met when I was in kindergarten and married when I was in the 3rd grade.  You see my egg donor real mother had some issues  (i.e. I was born during her senior year in high school and she had livin' left to do) and she and my father divorced when I was still a baby.  As is typical in these situations the mom got custody.  However, through the reports to and investigations of CPS, I was returned to my father before my 5th birthday.  Dad was a better parent when he was sober enough to know what was going on in my life.  So, the most of my up-bringing was left to my father's second wife and the woman I still call Mom despite no longer being married to my father (we didn't get along quite so well when I was young). 

After my 19th birthday (did I mention there was no contact whatsoever between the almost 5 and 19?)   I met the bio mom and got to ask my questions.  The answers to my qestions of "WHY" didn't exactly satisfy me (My husband wouldn't let me being the answers I got).  But I forgave (or did my best to - I mean really I am of Italian and Scandinavian heritage. Do you really think the mafia connected vikings were really good at forgiveness?) her.  I invited her to my wedding 3 years later, which my Mom did not attend because she was there.  Now this whole event still is a point of my friends mocking me over.  Bio mom is known amongst my frineds as "Cape Lady"... can you guess why?  Could it possibly be because she wore a cape to my wedding?  No, I am not shitting you...this is fact.  I saw her one more time after that just after I found out I was pregnant with my second child.  During this visit she stayed at my house (that I had just moved into 2 months prior) with her new husband (5th) and my 3 youngest siblings (that I had met once prior to that time).  When they left after staying for 3 days I found that their dog had done a really messy type dog mess (it shit on my carpet) this would not have been a huge deal because I have 2 dogs, and I know what dogs do, but they didn't clean it up.  In my 2 year old daughters room!  The other thing is the major deal-y-O...someone must have had thier girly time in my daughters new bed, and did not clean it up, they in fact threw the blanket over it for me to find at a later time when I got to changing sheets.  Can we see why I just might be slightly bitter?

I hadn't spoken to her in nearly 4-1/2 years (even through hurricane ike) until she called the day following the huge jelly fish fiasco.  Can we say lack of sleep led me to answer the phone without looking at the caller ID.  She had a few weeks between jobs *resets for Wal-Mart (this is where they re-design the store where the regular patrons can't find shit), and she wanted to come for a visit and meet her grandson.  Well, being the good, decent, okay I try to  be a good Christian, decided all the messages about forgiveness must me directed towards me decided now was the time.  Fate has stepped in.   The day is tomorrow and I am feeling extremely anxious about the whole thing right about now.  I'd really rather call it off, but I know I need to follow through with my decision to either prove myself wrong, or determine if I really do need to find a therapist who knows more than "just blame your parents", and can actually help someone get through their issues.

Wow...way to serious for me, cross your fingers, toes, and anything else you can physically make cross (if there is anything else, you'll have to fill me in later).    Need all the support I can get here.  Say it with me now..."NO MORE DOWNER POST, NO MORE DOWNER POST"  I promise only happy thoughts (unless tomorrow goes really badly). 

Oh...I've lost my spell check so deal with the fact that I suck at english! 

Hubs just asked what I was doing...when I told him blogging his repsonse was "what, about your crotch crickets", thanks "Mommy Wants Vodka" for giving me something to laugh about with him that he would so screw up later!

1 comment:

Aunt Becky said...

You are so strong and so brave. Good luck.