Aug 14, 2009

What Do I Do Now?

I have just experienced one of my most dreaded parenthood moments. I honestly didn't expect to hear this phrase for at least 7 more years and hoped for more time. But no, the words any parent would cringe hearing from their child at any age have come from my 3 year olds mouth.

"I HATE MYSELF"

I remember the feeling during teenage angst. I have no doubt that the statement didn't have the rebellion I was feeling during my pubescent years behind it as my son uttered those three little words. Clint had ventured out to his truck to grab his computer and denied Christian his request to come with him (damn smoker)! And NO! the kids have no idea.

Of course I freaked out. I tried not to let him see just how much his little phrase had bothered me. I sat down on the floor to be at his level and made him tell me exactly what he had said to make sure I had understood him correctly. At first he avoided looking at me, but I finally got him to tell me he had indeed said he hated himself. Next was prying out of him where he would have ever heard such a thing. I knew it was from daycare (I know I'm a terrible mother for working and providing for my children), I wanted to know more... was he having more interaction with the older kids than he should have, was he over hearing teacher conversations, or was something else going on.

It turned out the one child is his 3 year old class who Christian has a problem with on a semi-regular basis (refuses to play with, argues with and in general just does not get along with) is the one that Christian heard this from.

This whole situation freaked me out more the the normal person might not have been nearly as concerned about. The reason behind this is a family history of depression and addiction. I try to stay very vigilant in my own life knowing that I'm pre-disposed to feeling down being more than just feeling a little blue. Sometimes it even requires hubs to pull me out of my funk to even realize how far down I am letting myself get. I have always been so very concerned about myself falling into the same holes others in my family have found themselves buried in that I never even considered the possibility that my children might exhibit any of these behaviors. Unfortunately this child at the school has opened this door in my head that will have me worrying for the rest of my life.

Monday will hold new challenges as to what kind of discussion will happen between us and the school operators as well as Christian's teachers. I really don't feel comfortable having either of my children around this kind of negative comments...even if it is just coming from a 3 year old. I think we may have to change schools, which is something I had not planned on doing until he started kindergarten when we would start him in the same after school karate program Ang in starting this year. I am torn.

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