Nov 19, 2009

Can I Pretend Fat is the New Thin?

180 mother truckin pounds!!!

That's right...I broke one of the biggest don't ask don't tell rules in the women's hand book.  My weight (as of this past Sunday) is 180.2.  I am wearing a size 14 jeans.  I am the Average American Woman (maye taller at 5'8").  And I will tell you a little secret.

I AM SICK OF IT!!!!!

While never on the rail thin spectrem, I was always lean and athletic.  I started high school at a measly 99 pounds.  With in 6 months I was weighing in at 130 (largely in part to my track coaches kicking my ass and developing c-cup boobs overnight...if this makes you jealous don't be...read here).  I maintained this weight through what I completed of college, an engagement and a broken engagement.  I never gained the freshman 15, but I did gain the "in luv 15" when I started seeing my husband.  I was okay with being at 145 because really it is the "ideal" per dr standards for my weight.

My first pregnancy took me up to 172.5 (I was very sick and ate very healthy when I was able).  I struggled to get the weight off from my daughter and despite breastfeading for 9 months it took nearly a year to return to 145 and my size 6 jeans.  Then my son came along and the process started over.  It was the same weight gain, same sickness, same healthy eating.  Luckily after that pregnacy I had a plan.  I breastfed again so I had to keep my calories up, but there was a new diet some friends of mine were trying out that consisted of eating 40% lean protiens, 40% complex carbs, and 20% lean fats.  It was very labor intensive, but I was wearing a size 6 and sitting pretty at 137 in just 3 months!!!

It did not take long after returning to work (when my son turned 1) for convience and bad habits to return.  I started hitting the gym 5 days a week and taking energy supplements to maintain what I had.  I do not recommend this to anyone.  When I stopped taking the supplements (because I wouldn't sleep for 2 days after taking 1 pill at 6 am) I started gaining...and gaining...and gaining.  My highest weight that I saw on the scale sceamed 187 at me.  No fucking way!!!  My scale is broken.  So off to the in-laws abode to test out their scale...their's was broken too!

Some mornings I really ask myself...can't I just be happy fat?  I'm not that fat!  This especially comes into play when I am faced with something grotesquely fattening and bad for me that I know taste oh so devine.  I heard something yesterday that may help me with this as long as I don't tune out the little voice in my head..."No food taste as good as skinny feels"!  While my hubs is very supportive and tells me I look sexy, I don't feel sexy.  I don't want to put on sexy things (as if I would fit in them anyway).  I have to do this!

Over the summer and late fall, I started getting up early in the morning and running.  I can't do it now, or I would be getting up at 3...and not only do I really need some sleep, it's also not really safe.  When I finish the job I am on and not having to leave the house by 5 am, I will resume my runs.

Aside from that the friend that I first discovered the 40/40/20 diet is packing my lunches and sending them to work with her husband (my boss) for me.  It gets really boring eating oatmeal - plain - out of the canister - no sugar, grilled chicken, broccoli, beans, boiled eggs (no yolks), and an atkins bar...everyday.  Then my diet started having other adverse effects to the point that I sent her an e-mail asking what the point of getting skinny is if no one will want to stand anywhere near me.  I guess I need to go pick up some beano!

But it must be working because I've lost 5 pounds since I've been counting.

I know I'm not the only person (woman) out there struggling with my weighty issues...how do you get yours under control.

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