I have a journal at home that I was given several years ago (probably about 10). It had to have been a gift...It is certainly not something I would have bought for my self. I didn't write in a journal, or anywhere else for that matter. But I held on to it because it was so freakin' cute. It was an Anne Geddes journal and about the same time I had the Anne Geddes checks. I just thought (and still do) that the babies all dressed up, curled up, and sleeping were the cutest thing in the world.
After my daughter came along, I decided to start using the journal to document how I was feeling and the things going on around me. I really didn't have a mother figure in my life that I could turn to to just talk about all the things going on. The journal was partly my therapy. At first I would write daily or at least every other day. After the first couple of months I was down to every few weeks, then I would just write in the journal when I ran across it on the desk. I was probably only half way through the journal when my second child was born nearly 3 years later. I once again ran across the journal a few weeks ago while switching desks. Looking back through the pages is like looking at myself through a magic mirror. At times I cannot believe how naive I was. Others make me wish for simpler times, or even beyond grateful that we are no longer in a tiny one bedroom apartment with the 3 of us and 2 dogs.
When I started the journal I did so with the intention that someday I will give it to my little girl at her baby shower someday. I pray that there is nothing that comes in our future that will have her feel that she cannot turn to me, talk to me and confide in me while she is stumbling on her path. I always want her to know there is nothing that she cannot come to me with.
Now, most of my trials with my children are documented right here on my blog. I love to blog. It is my new form of therapy. I am left wondering though, with the speed of technology, will all my thoughts and fears, hopes and excitement be here for my children to gain insight in to parenthood from a real time perspective. Should I transcribe some of my ramblings into this keepsake journal of pen and paper that outside of natural disaster will outlast me? Or should I continue to do what I do here and just write in the journal when I come across it?
I just came up with a new idea. I will save the remainder of the pages in my journal for the milestones to come. I can write entries when she wins (or loses) some competition. I can document how I feel as she leaves (and awaiting her return) for her first date. Prom, broken hearts, engagement, wedding day, the day she tells me she is expecting. Then, as here baby comes, she can look back at her life from her mothers perspective and understand that she is not alone on the new journey she is embarking on.
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