Feb 4, 2010

I Need a Release

My post today is mostly for personal therapy.  I really need to get it out in words.

First, I would like to thank all of you for your advise on Tuesday about my sleep problem.  I did try the melatonin and it worked very well.  Until last night when I had a bad dream about my husband's dream self having a girlfriend and rubbing it in my face and a whole series of other craziness.  I woke up at 1:30 and was so anxious I almost decided by 2:30 there was no way I was getting back to sleep and nearly decided to just go to work at that insane hour.  Crazy I know, but then I wouldn't have spent 4 hours lying in bed awake listening to my husband's real self snore.

But, my crazy dream is not the point for today, just maybe related to my fears.  You see, I am not exactly close to anyone in my family.  I don't like to talk on the phone, so I don't stay in contact very well with anyone.  That, and my family is a group of world class grudge holders.  Myself included.  After all, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Right now the rift is between my father and me.  I don't even know for sure what it is about (but I have a pretty good idea).  About the time I got married (about 7 years ago), my dad and step mom's divorce was just being finalized (my step mom raised me and is the closest parental relative I have to this day).  The major issues started when holidays came up, and I was expected to choose which to spend my time with.  A good portion of the time was spent with mom, mostly because she would call and invite my family to what ever event was going on with extended family.  I typically didn't hear from my father unless I called him on the actual day to say "Happy (fill in the blank holiday).  One year on Easter, this "tradition" of our happened once again.  Only this time he was depressed and ended up having seizures (he was attempting to quit drinking cold turkey after 20+ years of very heavy drinking).  He ended up being forced in to rehab by my uncles and Nana.  Where they wouldn't tell me where he was or how he was doing since (and this is a quote) "I didn't care how he was really and it was my fault he was there in the first place".  Excuse me!  I didn't put the beer in his hand at 16 and tell him to drink up.  I didn't teach him to open his throat and chug a whole beer in one gulp.  He put himself where he was and I was not taking responsibility for his actions. 

That most certainly had me on the outs with most of my family for a couple years.  Now we are back to our same old habits of not communicating, but the family can all be in one room without it being too awkward.  Even though I still get pretty worked up about spending time in their presence.  I still feel like I am being judged all the time.  I didn't see him on Thanksgiving (working) or Christmas Day (stayed home) this past year, but I did send him a text to let him know I was thinking about him.  I know sending a text sounds really bad, but when we get on the phone together, we sit there for 10 minutes with dead air, not really saying anything.  I saw him the day after Christmas at a wedding reception for my cousin.  We were both there for several hours and all he said to me the entire time was..."I got your text, Merry Christmas!"  I attributed his shortness with me was caused by him assuming that I had spent the aforementioned holidays with Mom.

Until Tuesday.  On the day I was beyond miserable from lack of sleep for several days, I got a call from my cousin (who keeps me pretty well in the loop family wise) to let me know our Pawpaw was in the ICU.  She was surprised to find out my dad had not called me to tell me he was sick, because he has been for some time and he just went down to visit him 2 weeks ago with her dad.  He is dying.  He, like my father, is an alcoholic.  He has destroyed his body and is dying.  He doesn't want anyone to come visit him because he doesn't want people to remember him the way he looks now.  When my Grandmama (Pawpaw's mom) was in the hospital just before she passed away (I was 19), I went to see her in ICU and passed out from the shock of seeing her that way.  Pawpaw was the one who caught me before I hit the floor.  I can't help but wonder if that is playing a role in his request.  I am feeling so many different things at the moment.  I am definitely feeling sorrow and grief for the upcoming loss of a man that is very dear to my heart.  But, also detracting from those feelings is anger and disbelief, that whatever wrong doing my dad thinks I may have done to him, he would not even bother to call and tell me.

I believe that my strange dream last night can be attributed to my jumbled feelings this week.  My biggest fear in life would be to loose my family.  My husband, my children, my close friends.  They are all I really have.


yawkar618 said...

I couldn't imagine how exactly you're feeling and what you're going through. It must just break you inside. I'm so sorry to hear about what is going on... but in a weird way, thank you for being so open. I'm sure it was hard for you and is hard for you to live with right now. My prayers go out to you. I hope you feel some sort of comfort through all this and just know that everyone who is close to you loves you dearly.

Amy said...

It is beyond wrong for anyone in your family to have blamed you for your dad's drinking problem. Even though logically you know how crazy that is, it still has to hurt to have been told such a ridiculous thing.

Sometimes wounds are so deep that maybe it's better to have some space between you and your family. No one's family is perfect. Focus on the health and happiness of your immediate family and don't blame yourself for what extended family members may or may not think of you.

Because to be honest, you are a hard working mommy and wife and you're great! Don't take on this guilt! Hang in there, love. All my best to you:)

Evil Twin's Wife said...

When people are sick and scared, they tend to lash out in odd ways. I'm sorry it's left a big rift in the relationship between your father and you. {{{HUGS}}}

Tracie said...

Family relationships can just be effed up. Who knows what is going through your dad's mind with the drinking, effects from quitting, and then his dad in the hospital.

Hang in there. You're a good person. I hate to see you down.

Anonymous said...

Ouch, ouch, ouch! Blaming you is just so cruel!!!
Think about it: would you do that to your child?

It's great that you're taking the step forward to talk about this. With clarity the situation will seem much different.

Be kind to yourself. Please don't beat yourself up over anything--sounds like too many have done that already to you.

Treat yourself as you would treat a very beloved daughter...I'm sure there's much love you need to learn to give yourself...doesn't sound like there was much from family or origin.

ModernMom said...

Oh sweet girl it sounds like you know exactly why you are having these horrid dreams. Talking always helps so hopefully blogging it out does too! Wishing you peace and sweet dreams:)

Aunt Becky said...

Oh sweetie, it's not your fault. Anyone who would say so is being awful and hideous and wrong. It's not you. How could it be you? No one person can be responsible for anyone else.

My dreams have been hideous too, and I'm sorry. Sometimes that's how I let the bad out. (my insomnia is also flaring!)(we're sisters!) I try to think of it as cleansing rather than awful, but it doesn't always work that way.

Sending you love. Don't you spend a second taking this on. It's not you. It can't be you.