Apr 5, 2010

Cara + Conflict = _____________

I am CONFLICTED!  To me that should be a 4 letter word.  Conflict and I don't get along well.  In fact I tend to avoid it at all cost.  I spent the first 21 years of my life in conflict and chaos and would rather not have any of it for the rest of my life.  If any of you have figured out the secret, please (please, please, please, puh-lease!!!) let me in on it.

I have been in and out of feeling down (I should just call it as it is - DEPRESSED - another 4 letter word) lately.  I can't put my finger on the exact cause of it.  I can name some factors in it, but not the root of the issue.  Clint wants nothing more than to help me, but when I think about telling him its the house and the kids and never stopping and having enough down time to take a breath, I start feeling guilty and my withdraw deepens.

Clint and I are pretty much opposites.  I crave order and neatness, while he thrives on chaos and disorder.  We kind of have an unspoken (or occasionally spoken) agreement that he cooks, I clean.  For the most part I am ok with this arrangement that we have.  When it overwhelms me is when I want to get on to the kids for leaving their laundry folded in the chair, or their shoes on the living room floor, or their dishes on the table and I can't.  Why?  Because, Clint's clothes are sitting in the chair, his shoes are in the middle of the floor, and his work shirt he just took off is hanging over the kitchen chairs.

Some nights, he will recognize my rising frustrations and tell me to relax, "I'll handle it".  You would thing that would put my mind at ease, but I still can't relax.  Because, I will most likely end up doing what I sat down from doing the next day.  And I have things to do the next day!

Clint, I know you are reading this, and it may sound like it is you.  That is not where I am trying to go with this.  I think what frustrates me most, is my inability to set these small things aside.  I start to feel angry that I have all this on my shoulders, then guilty because I already leave a whole lot to you.  Especially with the kids.  When I am feeling like an inadequate parent, not being able to get though to the kids and a terrible person for yelling at them so much, you are able to get them going in the right direction.  Or distract them (and me) when I am on a rolling tangent (goose-fraba huh?).

I am trying desperately to pull myself out of this funk.  I know that the biggest part of solving a problem, is recognizing there is a problem.  That is done, now I have to stay focused.  Overcome this monster that tries to over take my life every now and then.  I can do it.  I have done it.  I will do it again.


Llama said...

I have definitely been there sweetie...just getting out of my own funk right now. I can totally understand where you are coming from. I am you and my boyfriend is definitely Clint. It is so tough to try and "let things go" sometimes...but trust me...you have to focus on the GOOD things. Is he faithful? Is he a GOOD man? Does he treat you right? When you look at the bigger picture, sometimes the socks on the floor aren't quite as bad. You will make it through! Feel better!

Alyssa said...

I wish I had "words of wisdom"...unfortunately I don't and can only commiserate. Hubs works so many hours I often feel like a single mom...and resent it. Then I may have an outburst and feel better for a while...Life as a mom is hard, I think.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I learned a long time ago that if something bothers me, that's my problem. For example, the Evil Twin leaves the toilet seat in our half bathroom up every day. Instead of nagging at him and making us both miserable, I just walk in there, put the seat down and voila! Problem solved and no one had to yell or nag or feel defensive. It's all about not sweating the small stuff (and it's all small stuff). :-)

Salt said...

It sounds like you have made a great first step at overcoming this! Just make sure you keep the lines of communication open between you and the husband and remember that you guys are on the same team and not against each other. :)

I think it's great that he reads your blog, too!

MiMi said...

I wish I had some sort of magic potion to help you out with this...but I don't. I have the same problem too...I hope you guys get it worked out and you come out of the blues. :(

Erin said...

You know I've been there, too (and am still there now, climbing my way out, slowly). It's so hard being a mom/parent. I yell, too. We all do it sometimes. We are all short of patience. None of us is good at everything. I suck at cooking and would much rather clean up.

Being a mom means lots of juggling. And it's okay if we drop the balls sometimes. ANd we can ask for help picking things up. It's not always easy to ask for help, but good for you for recognizing that it's time.

You are not alone.

ModernMom said...

I believe any Mom who tells you she has not lost her cool at some point and yelled...is a liar. We are all doing the best we can.
Sounds like you have the right attitude. For me, sometimes, I have to fake it until I feel it. Hugs my friend.

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

I can totally relate. mine is all control related. I have a very hard time letting go of the control in certain situations. As a mother we naturally think we are the only ones that can properly mother our own children.

Which is true. But when that control issues spills into other parts of life, is when it becomes a problem. For me at least.

Anyway, know that I can relate and get on myself for acting the way I do, too.

Aunt Becky said...

When did you and I become the same person?

sandandstarfish said...

I am the exact exact exact same way. I hope your spirit gets lifted. I know how incredibly difficult it is for you to... I can only offer words of encouragement as I am going through the same thing. I hope that you can stop and smell the roses, if even for only a second ;)