I am CONFLICTED! To me that should be a 4 letter word. Conflict and I don't get along well. In fact I tend to avoid it at all cost. I spent the first 21 years of my life in conflict and chaos and would rather not have any of it for the rest of my life. If any of you have figured out the secret, please (please, please, please, puh-lease!!!) let me in on it.
I have been in and out of feeling down (I should just call it as it is - DEPRESSED - another 4 letter word) lately. I can't put my finger on the exact cause of it. I can name some factors in it, but not the root of the issue. Clint wants nothing more than to help me, but when I think about telling him its the house and the kids and never stopping and having enough down time to take a breath, I start feeling guilty and my withdraw deepens.
Clint and I are pretty much opposites. I crave order and neatness, while he thrives on chaos and disorder. We kind of have an unspoken (or occasionally spoken) agreement that he cooks, I clean. For the most part I am ok with this arrangement that we have. When it overwhelms me is when I want to get on to the kids for leaving their laundry folded in the chair, or their shoes on the living room floor, or their dishes on the table and I can't. Why? Because, Clint's clothes are sitting in the chair, his shoes are in the middle of the floor, and his work shirt he just took off is hanging over the kitchen chairs.
Some nights, he will recognize my rising frustrations and tell me to relax, "I'll handle it". You would thing that would put my mind at ease, but I still can't relax. Because, I will most likely end up doing what I sat down from doing the next day. And I have things to do the next day!
Clint, I know you are reading this, and it may sound like it is you. That is not where I am trying to go with this. I think what frustrates me most, is my inability to set these small things aside. I start to feel angry that I have all this on my shoulders, then guilty because I already leave a whole lot to you. Especially with the kids. When I am feeling like an inadequate parent, not being able to get though to the kids and a terrible person for yelling at them so much, you are able to get them going in the right direction. Or distract them (and me) when I am on a rolling tangent (goose-fraba huh?).
I am trying desperately to pull myself out of this funk. I know that the biggest part of solving a problem, is recognizing there is a problem. That is done, now I have to stay focused. Overcome this monster that tries to over take my life every now and then. I can do it. I have done it. I will do it again.
A Weekend in Kansas City
3 days ago