I used to love this space. Love to write and pour out the details of my life that were either weighing on me or that I just wanted to share. I never wanted to be too serious. What is life without humor?
I think that is why I have been avoiding writing for so long. The things life has had for us in the past year and really before that have really added a heaviness to my thoughts. I will have something fun or even exciting to write about and then talk myself out of it since it is so trivial in comparison. It would be fluff. Not even touching what I am truly feeling or experiencing. I think I may have to just quit psyching myself out and write the fluff. How else am I too get comfortable enough to write about the real stuff if I cannot even organize my thoughts on things I am enjoying or happy about?
I am not one to talk about my feelings, or what is bothering me (until I have a drink or two - then you can't shut me up). Just ask my husband. It drives him nuts. I hear, "What's wrong" way too many times to count. Which drives me nuts. He asked me yesterday if I had blogged recently. I think he misses being able to come here and have insight into my convoluted brain.
I have found other outlets for my stress, anxiety and unease. I started seeing a personal trainer in January, because really, I needed a kick in the ass to get myself focused on my health again. But I found the intense sessions twice a week (except for most of the month of February when everyone in my house took turns being sick or injured) really made me feel more relaxed. I have also recently started running again. People look at me strange when I say I enjoy it. I am also in that boat when I am groaning Sunday morning at myself to get out of bed and put on my running shoes. I have shin splints and sore muscles. But there is something about letting go and just feeling the rhythm of feet pounding on pavement that makes you feel free. Free from the negativity that we feed our own minds about our abilities, or bodies, or place in life.
To be completely honest, I suck at running. But, I am getting better. It may also be the reason I feel compelled to write again. I now have the time or organize those thoughts that have been too jumbled to make sense of. My new go to method of release is returning me to this one.
I am excited!
2 days ago