Apr 27, 2012

Time to Face It

I previously said that I would push myself to write the fluff in an effort to write something again when really there are bigger things on my mind.  I was full of crap.  Apparently, I cannot get past the louder noises in my head to write something light or fun.  So, I guess that means it's time to get some stuff off my chest so I can get back to the enjoyment of writing.  The most prominent topic on my mind at the moment is my biological mother, so I will start with that one.  I have mentioned her before here and here if you want to check them out.

I have seen my biological mother only a handful of times since I was 19 (most of which were mentioned in the linked post) and no contact in the 14 years prior.  I saw her once more after that occasion and actually spent most of two days in her company.  I finally was able to get to the point where, while I will never understand her actions, I forgave her for not being there while I was growing up.  Honestly, while it was still hard, I very likely was better off growing up without her influence.  I came to the point of forgiving her when I knew it was poisoning my life to hold onto all that animosity.  Over the course of the two years following those 2 visits, she called 3 more times to say she was coming to visit.  The first two of those I got my house cleaned up and cleared my schedule to accommodate her.  Both times resulted in a no show with a text message a few days later with an excuse.  The last one early last fall I didn't bother even picking up my house.  She didn't show up then either.  After much introspection and prayer, I have come to the conclusion that while I have forgiven her, I don't have to have a relationship with someone who brings up feelings of being not worthy of the time to keep a commitment to (or even calling prior to missing it).

I occasionally receive random texts from her (usually of the chain-mail variety), unless they are referring to how great her life has been because of me...you know since she has spent so much time in it.  I typically ignore them unless they are general holiday sentiments in which I typically return the same.

  • Feb 17th: Hello daughter I know that your birthday is around the corner.  I will never forget the first when a beautiful precious girl came into my life.  Being your mom has always been a blessing.
  • Feb 24th: Happy Birthday You stole my heart the day you were born.  I have been blessed everyday since.  Even the days I mourned because we were separated.  The day you stepped off the plane in 1999 I felt the same elation as the day you were born 32 years ago.
  • April 8th: Happy Easter and God Bless
While I felt the birthday ones were off base, not really a big deal and I just shrugged it off and went on with my day.  No problem with the Easter text and all was good, until I got a phone message later in the day.  We were out on the boat so I didn't get the call directly.
  • The gist of it was Happy Easter, it's good to hear your voice even if it is in a message.  I know I'm not good at staying in touch, but I really do love you and Clint and the kids.  The guy I'm seeing and may marry (#6) we may be moving to Texas soon.  If it's meant to be it will happen.
I was with my best friend, who is also my boss' wife when I got the call.  My boss/friend and their family are moving to California this summer for at least 2 years and initially was thought we might go to, but we have too much tying us here since Dave passed away to go.  Her opinion is bio mom moving to Texas is just the thing to get my family to California with them.  Hmmm, tempting, but not likely.  Unfortunately, this does not end with this message.  Bio mom had requested to be my friend on Facebook months ago and I have ignored it (my profile is private).  I have way too many members of the family that raised me on there to subject them to the things she is likely to post, and I will not disrespect them in that way.  I am however "friends" with my half sisters step-mom.  She was around a lot before I was removed from bio mom's custody and it was a way to get in touch with a sister who was treated much the same way I was.

This was the message I got on Facebook Easter evening:
  • Cara Why is (sister's step mom) a friend and not me? That hurts, are you ashamed of me? Hate me? I do the best I can with what I have. I never put anyone down, I trust the Lord to lead me in life. I have prayed everyday that you and (sister) would be back in my life, I got tired of struggling to find a way to get you girls back. I was never going to have the amount of money that it was going to take, to get you girls back. You can ask anyone how broken my heart was and still is. I will continue to pray for God's guidance. I love you and never ever stopped.
I know I have to respond to this and put and end to her passive aggressive contacts.  I haven't yet because I can't stand confrontation.  Still I know it needs to be done and that I will never be able to maintain a peaceful relationship with her.  Her excuses keep changing and I don't think I can handle another one.  I grew up wishing that I had a mom that wanted me.  As an adult I realized I had one the whole time, but it wasn't the one that gave birth to me.  That one wants me now that there is no responsibility and regrets to be faced.

Apr 2, 2012

Release

I used to love this space.  Love to write and pour out the details of my life that were either weighing on me or that I just wanted to share.  I never wanted to be too serious. What is life without humor?

I think that is why I have been avoiding writing for so long.  The things life has had for us in the past year and really before that have really added a heaviness to my thoughts.  I will have something fun or even exciting to write about and then talk myself out of it since it is so trivial in comparison.  It would be fluff.  Not even touching what I am truly feeling or experiencing.  I think I may have to just quit psyching myself out and write the fluff.  How else am I too get comfortable enough to write about the real stuff if I cannot even organize my thoughts on things I am enjoying or happy about?

I am not one to talk about my feelings, or what is bothering me (until I have a drink or two - then you can't shut me up).  Just ask my husband.  It drives him nuts.  I hear, "What's wrong" way too many times to count. Which drives me nuts.  He asked me yesterday if I had blogged recently.  I think he misses being able to come here and have insight into my convoluted brain.

I have found other outlets for my stress, anxiety and unease.  I started seeing a personal trainer in January, because really, I needed a kick in the ass to get myself focused on my health again.  But I found the intense sessions twice a week (except for most of the month of February when everyone in my house took turns being sick or injured) really made me feel more relaxed.  I have also recently started running again.  People look at me strange when I say I enjoy it.  I am also in that boat when I am groaning Sunday morning at myself to get out of bed and put on my running shoes.  I have shin splints and sore muscles.  But there is something about letting go and just feeling the rhythm of feet pounding on pavement that makes you feel free.  Free from the negativity that we feed our own minds about our abilities, or bodies, or place in life.

To be completely honest, I suck at running.  But, I am getting better.  It may also be the reason I feel compelled to write again.  I now have the time or organize those thoughts that have been too jumbled to make sense of.  My new go to method of release is returning me to this one.

I am excited!